my unexpected life

I always thought of myself as the kind of person who would get married and have kids. obviously it didn't happen in that order. with my son now seven and feeling old I recently took the plunge. on a beautiful sunny Friday afternoon. The first day of this past June I became a married woman. It was romantic and poetic. a month later the universe gave me a surprise wedding gift. I got pregnant. now this came as quite a shock since I have not ovulated in three years. unaware that matrimony was the key to having a second child, in my case. For me, someone who has been very unconventional ,its oddly nice to be what I assume normal is like. not that I am by any means normal.pushing the fifth month in my pregnancy I am just now relaxing. The baby is beginning to roll and kick. It makes me feel safe. because I have lost a baby and because happiness scares me. It makes me feel like something bad is going to happen. I am trying to let myself learn to be happy and not be scared. this new concept is not as easy as it seems. but I will learn to be content if it kills me. my life at the moment is completely unexpected. but I could not be happier , or more scared.

a poem of pain

I look at pictures of myself. I see my smile, I almost fool myself at times. My son makes me a mother. oh how I love him. He asks for something that I am trying desperately to give him. He does not know that though. so I smile gently as I tell him that God will send him one soon. I lie though. As his father and I know the painful truths. The 'almosts' and the 'losts' and the 'possibilities of never'. how he longs for a brother. But his big sister , that he will never know , smiles down at him from heaven . Many positives have turned to bloody negatives. There is a harshness of this pain in my heart and soul and body, I never expected to be a victim of. Two years now, of an empty womb. like they know the possibilities of an end to soon. After a while they just stop coming at all. That hurts almost as bad. I hold babies and I smile, and in the night I cry. A quiet suffering and painful longing. I try not to get my hopes up. But some months it may be late to come , but then the cycle starts and I know that again I have failed. Reassuring persons try hard to comfort. explaining with an ease that my son so full of health is here with me. They leave me feeling foolish like I am full of greed. I do not ignore the apparent happiness that's in front of me. He makes us happy. He makes us a family. He turned us two into three, I just wish to add another. My heart aches for my breasts to be filled with milk. to give nourishment. I crave to give life. The pain that is most difficult is that I know I do not suffer alone. How I wish those affected by the tragedies my body brings would not suffer with me. I wish to sooth and ease. But how can I fix those who are broken when I myself have been broken for so long. My words grow tedious, fully true , however generic. Reassurance bouncing back and forth. still their names swirl around my mind. ones lost, ones not yet able to conceive. they will forever haunt me in my days and my nights dreams . I need the strength that I pretend to have. How I plead for this hurt to grow tired of its battles with me and flee. for the pain to go and leave me whole again. Lord give me strength. fill my womb again, with life and not pain.And fill the cracks left behind by scars so deep within.

.... And drop it.

I love a quote from one of my favorite books turned movie. eat , pray , love. the led is missing her ex lover. so she says" I love him and really miss him. " her friend replies" so miss him. Send him light and love every time you think of him and drop it." So that had stayed with me because I really like it . I have used it but not entirely until recently. i have had many lives and with that many different types of love. Friendship and maternal and family being the most obvious and undeniable. But the most potent being that of a lover. Not to say that I have loved all my boyfriends, however their presence in my life did not give them my heart automatically. I have had two great loves in my life. My husband consuming my heart almost entirely. journeying back to my youth lies what would probably be referred to as my first love. Not how I love my husband of course. But a piece will always belong to him. There are significant differences in the loves. My husband is my family ,my best friends, my lover. We have grown together, grown up together. Discovered life side by side. We started as friends and have never ceased that bond. He not only took my heart but I gave it to him freely. However my first love stole my heart against my will. I never got it back, and I will forever pay the penalty. Some times in life your love is stolen and like most thieves he will never know nor care the pain he had cost me. Its partly my fault to young to speak up. How I felt and now in the new age of everyone, including myself documenting my every move, I have to be informed of peoples lives. Ones I wish to be oblivious to. Information is shoved down my throat. Only to be regurgitated through tears. It's an odd feeling. I am happy and don't want to be with him. So why does it hurt to know he is moving on. So many thoughts and questions that will never be answered. And because I don't live in a romantic movie . I will not randomly see him. Tell him how I felt, and end things on my terms. Tell him the things that will forever ach inside me.. All I can do is send him light and love whenever I think of him.... And drop it.

Writers

friends and family

I feel at times that people who's blood I share, I feel the most disconnected to. Strangers that could pass each other without a glance. Sometimes they are the people who I dislike more then anyone. I have had more problems with my blood related family than with any other group of people. They cause me the greatest of pains. neglected and burdened. I feel as though I was mistakenly given these people to be related to. I am stranger to them. they know not the real me. Over the years I have adopted people and created my own family. People who have had my back no matter the situation. people who were best of friends, lovers and companions. They are the ones whom I have called in my darkest of hours. The ones I wanted to share in happiness with. They are never strangers to me. They know me more than I know myself at times. A guiding light in the darkness of the world. I wish I could explain to them how much their love through the years has sustained me. but they know. They have always known, because they know me, the real me. I am eternally indebted to the family I have created. Some that may not even know each other. Without them I don't know where I would be. I love the people I am related to. Make no mistake of that. I just have an adopted family that I love from a pureness in my heart and not out of obligation. Thank you . I may have been born in the wrong family but God lead me to the right people.

Hello old friend

I feel so bad that I have ignored my blog for so long. like many things it fell to the side while life went on. I have been working on my book. I have changed the angle and I think that it will work much better this way. I was going to make a memoir and two small books. But I had an Epiphany to combine them. short and sweet and to the point. since I have a large target audience , in mind I need to direct the dialogue to a number of people . I primarily focus on young adult. See when your writing a book you have to pick a target audience. because it is an uplifting conversation to teen parents I try and direct it as though I am speaking to them. FUN FACT: In fact a famous writer once told me to write as though you are talking to one specific person or group . not an entire audience. It comes out less stiff and more free flowing. A better ,lighter read. My new angle is top secret until further progress. however I can say that it is an idea that is uncommon. My goal is also to enlighten all people young and old alike. To give them not just a grasp of reality but that well, young people have a hard enough time without all the stigma and b.s that society places upon them. Teen pregnancy is not ideal.... I would hate to be cliche and say if life gives you lemons make lemonade. But in a way that is what I am trying to say. some people might try and stir up controversy stating that I am delirious That I am ignoring the struggles. That is far from it. It is hard, I should know that was me. That this disease that is plaguing our nation. Is a pandemic that needs to be annihilated. I agree I would say to all teen don't get pregnant. Not until your older and financially stable. education and your career comes first. don't let your hormones dictate your future. while history tells that young women have been birthing children for centuries. People are under the assumption that creation is this new idea that crazy teens are coming across. Sex e.d is crucial though some laws and states are asking for this education to be cut. That will lead to a higher amount of teen parents. The eduction is so very important. In my research most teens didn't use proper protection. They were not educated on the subject properly. Others ,and a large number I might add, felt invincible. that something like that could not happen to them. Maybe denial , or the belief that sheer will power was strong enough, or that their young bodies were old enough to calculate ovulation, or even strong influence from the male partner. whom in most cases is as much in the dark about facts as the female partner. But once it has all happened. and there is a life growing you have options. depending on your state some may be limited. option one is abortion. in some states requires a parental consent. adoption, and keeping the child. baring in mind that all these options are difficult and life altering. In most cases you have to deal with the anger and disappointment that comes from parents and others. But my book centers on what happens after conception and mostly after the choice. if you chose to keep the child and raise it. That's were the subject I am writing comes in. It takes you through the storms and shows you how strong you now are for with standing the such forces. so in other words drink your lemonade and read the book. (when it is done of course) I do not promote a difficult life or teen sex. i just believe in helping those in need. and not bashing them when they are down. pounding them repeatedly with facts and statistics and retelling of their 'failures and mistakes." that doesn't take them back in time. and it sure as hell doesn't make them better parents. help , love and understanding is what is needed now.

Whats in a word?

The word MOTHER is a small word that is the definition of amazing. seemingly simple. Two syllables summed up, that actually represent all the emotions that a human being is capable of experiencing. Being disoriented and captivated by. Bestowing great strengths to the title holder. Amazing grace. And untamed love. The horrors, honors, pleasures and pains of the world. Someone never truly acknowledged, but a life fully rewarding and gratifying. All this lays in the experience that is parenthood. It is seductively confusing and never-ending. A ride that seems broken yet refuses to stop, but given the chance you would never get off. Surprising and out of control. Yet, predicatively mundane. The greatest invention to have been made. Thank you to my own for creating another member to travel in the labyrinth with. A titled legacy, the power of knowing that without us, it would all cease to exist. One simple word that tries to embody all of that. Something said in different ways, conveys different emotions, needs and purpose. sweetly, suffering, superb, yet always the same. Whether a call to arms against the middle of the night call. A need to defend, a moment of fear when lost down an isle, or to just give a hug. Babble from a baby, or the first word. The best one of all is the one that comes out the blue. No stings (or wanted toys) attached, to just say.. "MOMMY, I love you". When you realize that ,when your child was born you grew another heart. How else do you love someone so much? Its all worth it when you hear that simple yet, powerful word they call you.