Alena

i miss someone i never even met. i once carried a baby girl. i was only a few months along when i woke up in blood. that was years ago. but recently my brother having a girl has triggered that painful part of my past. people seem to think that you cannot mourn a baby you never met. but i knew her. no one understands. and although the physical pain is long gone, the scars it left behind never had a chance to heal. i never had closure . i went from losing her to fighting for my life. i developed an infection so severe i almost died. her name was to be be Alena. the family has only ever had boys. but now that a girl is soon to be born i am having flashbacks to a preganancy that never was to be. i believe in fate. people say that i don't have a right to this pain because i have a child. i love my son. i would do anything for him. it is not about him. it really is just about something i went through that i never had closure with. i pray for it to dull. i go back and forth about wanting more kids. so do my doctors. they say i may not be able to. if that is to be my fate, so be it. but in the mean time i am seeking closure on a horrific day, that sometime plays in my mind like a nightmare. i dont really share that story, but i think its time to stop kidding myself and realize that keeping everything buried inside dosent heal anything. i cant act like it never happened. but i can talk about it, and maybe one day it wont hurt as bad.