kindergarten blues

It feels so strange sitting here in the quiet. I can actually hear the tapping of the keys. Today was my son's first day of kindergarten. He was so mature about it all. I was a total wreck. I keep thinking that he is in the other room. I have life seems so much deeper when you have such complex conflicting thoughts. I am happy for him, but i miss him. I enjoy the quiet, but now it's too quiet. I just cant believe we are at this point. He is smart well rounded. But, the world would have you believe otherwise. I guess a young mother can really make a great mother.

Life's about the dreams

I was listening to my son sing "row row row your boat". I listened as he finished it as "life's about the dreams." I corrected him, I explained that the rhyme says "life is but a dream." He then explained that of course he knew the correct wording , but liked his more. My five year old went on the say, that he has tried other words in it's place. I was not aware that he had put so much thought into this. He said "I tried life's a bowl of dreams". Stating that he liked the symbolism he imagined singing it. He also had tried "life's a ball of dreams". "You know mommy like how people say it's a 'ball of fun.' Then finally coming to the conclusion that life is about the dreams. I know what that sentence meant to me, when I pondered longer on it. But I wanted to know if it was a deep of a meaning to him, as it seem to me. He said simply that there are two reasons. One being that I am always talking about following your dreams. ( which is what I thought it meant as well. ) though I didn't know he took it to heart. He added sweetly " My days start with my dreams and my days are my life." I asked 'don't your days end with dreams?' " no mommy they start with them! They are in my mind before I open my eyes. Sometimes I have bad dreams and I think about it all day. It sometimes makes my day seem bad. Or sometimes I have good dreams and my day starts good. Or I have a dream about something that's really happened and I have memories that day. But any ways that's how my day starts thinking about my dreams. So, silly mommy life's about the dreams." Simple as that, I now follow the philosophy of my five year old. I too believe, that life's about the dreams.

growing up is hard to accept

when you become a parent you experience many things. But one thing I have yet to master is that of acceptance. Take for example a few weekends ago. My son went to the movies with his grandfather and uncle. I had taken him to see his first movie about a year prior. But this was hard for me. what if something happened? what if he choked on popcorn? what if it was to loud? what if something scared him? what if he needed me? After much assurance they ventured out. Leaving behind a panic stricken mother. Full of a head of " what ifs?" he came home a few hours later. He was so happy. He was trying to explain the plot to the best eloquence of his five years. But he met my red eyes. He some how knew I was hurt. "But i missed you!" He proclaimed, with a hug. I felt i twinge of guilt.I do not want to be one of those mothers who is terrified of letting go. But it is hard! And at times it does seem personal if he is happy without me. But we move on and i bite my lip. As we all must do. I know he still needs me. I feel as though I need him more. I do not helicopter parent, which I am proud of myself for. But I do push him to be both healthily dependent and independent. So I feel that day I accomplished much more than he did. I learned the harsh reality of true independence. But I quietly pat myself on the back. Because I never did verbalize that agonizingly slow and painful Saturday. but guess what? He starts kindergarten in three weeks. Lets see how i handle that. I have developed a great poker face though.